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Mongolian Death Worm

Here in One Star Classics you will find analyses of Netflix’s finest movies.

The worst of the movies you find on Netflix tend to be something you, if nothing else, can laugh at. Even Pinocchio's Revenge (so awesome we named Pinocchio the patron saint of this site) was downright hilarious.

Then there's Mongolian Death Worm

I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to be. A parody? A straight forward action movie? Yet another Tremors sequel? I don't know! It just is, and the only real reason I didn't turn it off, was that I was hoping to get some sort of epiphany while watching it.

If anything, I suppose, Mongolian Death Worm tries to be Star Wars set in Mongolia, which sounds weird, but oddly seems to be what it is.

The quick synopsis: Han Solo is looking for Genghis Khan's lost treasure, while trying to keep Jabba the Hut and his bounty hunters off his back. Princess Leia, against her better judgement, rides along with him, delivering sassy one-liners, while C-3PO does hist classic C-3PO thing.

Trust me, the similarities are more striking than you might think. (There are also some echoes between the eponymous worms and the aliens from Aliens, making me think the producers really wanted to set this movie in space.)

There's some nonsense in here about Mongolian death worms waking to protect Genghis Khan's grave from robbers, and one has to ask oneself how the rest of the world doesn't know about these creatures. I guess it might come down to there only being about fifteen people in Mongolia, or at least that is how this movie depicts it.

Mongolian Death Worm was filmed in Texas, and it shows, all the way down to the sheriff in his 501s and pick-up truck. Portrayed by George Cheung in what has to be the worst acting job of this millenia (Sean Patrick Flanery as Han Solo comes in as a close second), I have no idea what Walker, Texas Ranger is doing in Mongolia in the first place.

I can whine and complain, but really, there just isn't anything that happens in the movie… There is some driving around… Then you see some giant worms… The worms are either shot or they eat somebody… Then there's a final showdown. And that's it. I can't even think of any snarky comments. This thing should never have made its way onto television.

Because that's what it is: a made for television movie. That means somebody actually sat down, watched it, commercials and all, for more than three hours. (Or so I assume–surely it was packed with commercial breaks?) I truly would like to meet that somebody and shake her/his hand. I'm glad there are two of us who made it all the way through the movie.