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In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds

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God bless Dolph Lundgren. The man literally has no facial expressions, yet here he is, still riding on his Rocky notoriety, acting his little heart out. And again, let us emphasize this: no facial expressions. He has a face, I suppose, and some might claim having one defaults to a facial expression, something I eminently disagree with. Dolph’s face does not qualify as anything other than a blank slate, one which you can cast your projections onto. In that sense, Two Worlds is a movie that will make you feel whatever you already felt.

With his sequel to In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Dr Boll slashed the budget from $60 million to $4.5 million, and I wish I could say it shows, but let’s be honest… This movie is technically as tear-worthy as its prequel, and I assume most of the cash went to fund Dolph’s botched Botox job.

Nothing makes sense here, least of all the plot.

A Dungeon Siege Tale was set in a separate universe; Two Worlds, despite its name, is set in our universe’s past. Can Dolph pull off a period piece? Of course he can’t, and to the credit of the producers, they went the time travel route, continuity be damned. There’s some nonsense about Dolph being the savior from the future, and blaaaah, who really cares? You get a dragon, and isn’t that what matters? I’m pretty sure Dr Boll’s kids made it out of Play-Doh, too.

No, you watch Two Worlds for Dolph, let’s be honest. You watch Dolph run around in scenes that make no sense, and you watch him in settings that include a papier-mâché structure which apparently is supposed to be a castle. (Keep an eye out, and you’ll see Dr Boll’s car parked outside of it…) Parts of me like to think it’s a bouncy castle, and that Dolph was playing in it in-between takes.

God bless Dolph Lundgren. Hungover, with what could be a paralyzed face, and no acting chops—yet here he is, trying as hard as a Dolph Lundgren can try. He is no Jason Statham, nor does he want to be; what he tries to be is Dolph Lundgren, and he almost succeeds at that.

And they deserve each other, don’t they? Dr Boll and Dolph, neither capable of doing anything particularly well. That is why we love them, these two men, doing very little, splattering it all on the screen. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you!